I’m not finding much comfort in today – this post could upset some individuals please read with cautionMay 16th, 2013 Posted in Life and Family, Misc. Ramblings | 4 comments »
Although most days each and every one of us is able to find some comfort in one way or another, today has not been that day for me. But again, you get to hear a little bit of TMI about me. Maybe opening up to you and allowing you to know a little bit more of who I am and why sometimes I am a little more MIA than others helps me out.
I have a condition called PTSD. Wikipedia starts to explain PTSD in this way:
Posttraumatic stress disorder[note 1] (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder with characteristic symptoms that can develop after the direct experience of an extremely traumatic stressor such as the threat of a violent death or serious injury. To fit the criteria of PTSD, the individual must react with “intense fear, helplessness or horror” (Criterion A).The characteristic symptoms include a “persistent reexperiencing of the traumatic event” (Criterion B), and a continuing avoidance of reminders of the precipitating stressor accompanied by a “numbing of general responsiveness” (Criterion C). This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or violent assault on one’s own or someone else’s physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming theability to cope. As an effect of violent trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more pervasive and enduring than the more commonly seen acute stress reaction. Diagnostic symptoms required for PTSD include persistent re-experiencing the original trauma throughflashbacks, hallucinations or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, a general numbing of emotional responsiveness, acute and unpredictable episodes of anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria (both DSM-IV-TR and ICD-10) require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.
I want to let you know now that Wikipedia is not the do all end all of information on PTSD, if you have, or think you have or have a family member who has or thinks they have PTSD, talk to a doctor. I just know that most of the time that Wikipedia can give me the lowdown without making me feel like my head exploded. I’ve noticed that most PTSD comes from Military Service and for that, I salute our troops even more than I did before. But there are those of us, and here comes the TMI, who were molested, raped and beaten in their early life (mine from 7th grade to my early 20s) that caused the PTSD. I have night mares. Most of the time they were under control. Recently an event happened that caused the nightmares to come back full force. I talked to my therapist and my psychologist and they put me on a medication that was supposed to stop the nightmares. It’s helped about 80%. The dreams are so fucking real. For a while I was too scared to even sleep. I’ve gotten over that part.
I think today I am going to find my silver lining in my kitchen. Cooking makes things better as I kick everyone else so I can become one with the creature that will become my own personal work of art. I have a 10 pound ham in the fridge and i know there will be some 15 bean soup coming out of that, and maybe some ham and macaroni and cheese. So….Those posts will be coming up with some yummy pictures soon.
Author: Caridad Piñeiro
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Buy Link: http://goo.gl/D2kTD
Adam Bruno is no ordinary millionaire. The heir to an ancient race possessing a dark, powerful magic, he can shapeshift and create energy. His gifts make him a living weapon and have forced him to live in seclusion. But now an inhuman force hunts down Adam-just when he finds someone who makes him feel more human than he ever imagined possible . . .
Home from combat in Iraq, Bobbie Carerra wants only peace, yet soon joins Adam in a terrifying battle against paranormal enemies who hide in plain sight. She’s drawn to his strength of mind and body; he’sattracted to her courage and intoxicating energy. Their scorching passion can either transport them to the heights of ecstasy or-if Adam’s powers rage out of control-destroy them. But when an invisible brotherhood tightens its nets and someone Adam trusts betrays him, only a heartrending decision can save them.
Review: All women want a man with power, and Adam has power in spades, hell he has it in aces. When he ends up being jumped by some men, it’s a good ting that Bobbie was there to throw her weight and her cane in the ring. His concern for her overtakes him before he realizes that he may have shown just a little too much power.
Ms. Piñeiro takes us on a ride like no other. Men who can shut you down sucking the very life from your being, a paranormal cat and mouse chase with cougars and mice like no other.
My only complaint, is that Adam’s mother and I know a secret that even Adam and Bobbie don’t know. And Caridad just dropped me and didn’t let it out. I’m dying here. How dare you leave me hanging by the thread of knowledge? Oy! I can’t wait to read further and find out what is going to happen with the other clans. The promises made, the promises broken and men who have been lost. For a paranormal whirlwind, pick up The Lost for yourself.
I’m not sure what I would do If I didn’t have my friends and family and readers to always walk me through the things that are going though in my life. I’m having a hell of a time and you guys are always here. Check here to see to see what’s going on right now.
My mom and I have been spending more time on the phone than we used to, and for that I will be forever grateful. I’m learning some of her designing aspirations (she quilts), some of the things she really likes (that I honestly didn’t know about and I’m almost 40, how did I not know?). If there is anything I can suggest to my readers, call your mom a little more I promise you won’t regret it. Well, maybe P in Australia and some others, but for the most part, you wont.
So when we started talking about some designs that she was interested in, I could see images floating in my head. I could see things that I would DRAW. (I can’t quilt for anything. I’ve tried. I can’t sew a straight line.) I’m a geek. I love my phone (iPhone, iPhone, iPhone….oh sorry, I got away with myself there.) So I created my first thought from mom’s ideas, Earth!
I found this fun and all, but I didn’t even think of it as comforting or artistic. I felt it was just ‘messing around’.
I started looking around on the phone for drawing apps and other things like that and found a manga app. The app was called Paigeeworld.com. And unlike many other apps on my phone, it was a tutorial app. You actually had to draw out the picture, color it, take a picture and then you get ‘points’ to take more tutorials. It was awesome. Rob got me a giant sketch book and I started. The coloring is what I found most comforting. It was then that I thought about when Eddie Bear died. I lost it, I’ll admit. (I’m telling you guys more than I thought this month.) I lost it so much I spent some time in a mental hospital with a breakdown. And some of the most therapeutic time I had was when I was coloring. It seemed I could talk more freely when my mind wasn’t totally consumed with the thoughts of loosing my husband. I am glad that I have found something to comfort me again. Not that I need a ton of comfort, but each and every one of us can use the comfort even if there isn’t a dark cloud in the sky. I would like you to meet my friend from Paigeeworld.com.
There is nothing better in this world than hanging out with your bestest friend. My bestest friend is Robin (hereafter called Rose) was/is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. She introduced me to the wonders of a frozen caramel macchiato with a double shot of espresso. I absolutely love them. But there is a HUGE problem when I drink them. I want to touch everything. So my hands touched all the soft wonderful things. Shirts, sweaters, dresses, towels, and blankets, etc. But when I got to the blankie on the left. I nearly died. Rose
came over and saw me hugging this blanket and I was nearly crying because I loved it so much. Every time we went to Target she and I would go to the aisle and look and touch and drool over the blanket. Then, when I moved to NY. I sweet talked Rob into getting me the blanket. The one above was too girly for him so we got the white one. I really would love to get the other one some day before they cancel them. So keep your please keep me in your prayers that Rose, and the Rose blanket will be in my life for a long long time. I couldn’t live without either of them.
This is not NaNoBloPoMo, but I couldn’t help but put this up:
At this time in my life, I’ve pretty much done with sleeping with stuffed animals. I’m a 38 year old grandma who should be giving stuffies to her grandson dont you think?No more teddy bears with music boxes, no more fuzzy bears with silky ears I can rub. I am getting old and feeling older.
Though I did have a teddy bear in my life who allowed me to sleep at night and feel save at night. He was my Eddie Bear. Clifford Edward Winbush III!
When I found out that everyone wanted their own Eddie Bear, I was so happy because I had him already! But in February 2004 God took him from me and took him home. Unlike my broken teddy bear, he wasn’t fixed and sent back to me, he was taken away and I never got to see him again. All I had was the things he left behind.
I found out from those things that there were some cracks in my bear. Unlike a real teddy bear, there is nothing more heart breaking than finding out that your live bear wasn’t perfect. I think when I found out that Eddie Bear was broken it was too late to fix it, and it broke my heart. It’s taken nearly nine years to forgive him for the brokeness in him.
I’ve never let this out of my heart thinking that it would hurt more, but I thnk that the brokeness has grown wings and is taking flight. It’s time to forgive, for God knows I ripped him a new one in many dreams. I guess all things that comfort aren’t perfect, and can’t be fixed when they break. I will take comfort in the fact that I have become stronger.
You don’t have to let go of a secret like I did, but do you sleep with stuffies? When did you stop sleeping with them. I gave them up when I found a wonderful man to share my life. If you could have a life size stuffie, what would it be?
When I was a child my favorite toy was my stuffed bear. He had a music box in him that I would wind just as tight as I could so I could listen to him as long as possible. Many nights I was able to topple off that precarious edge we call sleep. Though one night once was not enough comfort for me, I needed more. And around and around went the key to the tune, and then I heard a very loud POP!
That was the last sound my bear would ever make. I was heartbroken. I stumbled down the stairs to the only person who could make this right, my father. There was nothing in this world he couldn’t fix. I tearfully explained what had happened and my father looked at me rather seriously and said, “There’s only one thing we can do! Operate.”
I was scared beyond words but knowing my father was a medic in the military gave me great hope. We couldn’t leave that dead box in there or the bear would get sick and die. So with a silent demeanour and skilful hands, my father removed the broken ‘ heart’ of the bear and I created him a new one. The heart I gave him was crooked and was drawn on an index card, but it said,“I love you!”
It was all a bear like him could need to live these thirty—eight years with me. It was enough, and that is all that mattered!
Have you ever had a stuffed animal that has given you comfort when you needed it? I’d love to hear your story or the story of one of your loved ones.
Love and Huggles,
I have problem. I’m a big ‘touchy feely’ person. I’ve been known to tuck tags into stranger’s shirts, pluck a few hairs off their shoulders. And that is the normal stuff.
I have always preferred a hug to a handshake. Even if I don’t know them fairly well.
I’m not sure if it’s a southern thing since I was born and raised mostly in the South, or just something that I was genetically disposed to be that way. And if you believe in Astrological signs and such, but I’m a Cancer and, we are nurturers. So we hug, take care of, and love with all our heart and soul.
Then there are the ‘three little words’ most women covet more than any other. The words you ask?
I’m not sure how many of my lovely readers know my marital history. *feel free to skip this if you feel you don’t want tok now this much about me.* By the time I was 29 years old I had been married twice and widowed. That’s far more ‘action’ than I think anyone needs to see or experience.
Try getting into another relationship when the date wants to know a little more about you, you start with your evil male history. You can see them mentally haul ass and run.*Oh no, a black widow!* So getting someone to say I love you, is a great thing. But as the video so wonderfully states, “More than words is all you need to show me how you feel.
But honestly being an attention whore that I am, I want to hear the words.
Now for the story behind all this rambling. In 2004 my sweet man Cliffored Winbush III died of a MI while sleeping. Actually tomorrow will be 9 years he’s been gone. It still feels like yesterday. Here’s the story. On Monday morning Cliff and I went to Richmond to find out what they could do with my foot because it was still hurting horribly. I got a cortisone shot in that toe and then we headed home. On the way home Cliff started vomiting. I didn’t think much of it since there was all kinds of odd things going around as every other winter. When we got home he called off the second part of his work day (he worked split shift teaching computer electronics) This continued to happen for the next two days. Wednesday I told him that he really should head to the ER so they can rehydrate you. Cliff was the typical man and didn’t want to go. So we went to go back to bed. It was then that he died.
I have spent the past nine years wondering if/when I told him that I loved him. Did I tell him on the morning that he died? Did I tell him the night before? When was it. It haunts me some days. I know that he knows I loved him, but it still really sucks not to have a recollection of if/when I told him that I loved him.
So, I can tell you without hesitation that I have told everyone that I have come in contact with today that I love them. Because without the people in my life, I would not be the person I am today. so I want to tell you, all my readers, that I love you. You have made being on the Internet wonderful.
I’d like to know, who was the last person that you said “I Love You” to? When was it? I’d love to hear all about the love you have for others. xoxox